A Parent's Post Church Cult Revelations

In response to the article I wrote called The Sin of Non-conformity under The Sins section of this blog, I received a beautiful, courageous, and heartfelt letter from the father of my friend Christian, the non-conformist.

He permitted me to share his letter. It is meaningful to hear from the parents and adults who raised Christian and myself inside our church. Healing begins when we acknowledge what happened and validate our experiences.

Rachel,

I read your article on the sin of Non-conformity which prompted me to respond from a different perspective.  As a parent of two of the kids who were probably most affected by - hmm - probably the best description is - our mutual cult experience,  I wondered how things got so off and how much damage was done to our children, particularly my children, because I had the audacity to raise Christian, a free-thinking and free speaking entrepreneur, and J'aime who rebelled and got pregnant at 16 years-old.  Both were ostracized in the church youth group and suffered because of who they were.

At times I've felt ashamed that I let this go on, but then most of it I didn't know about, because it was well hidden from me and other parents.  To this day, I discover more of what happened there, like in your article about Christian where I learned for the first time about things that went on back then.  Still, I saw signs now and then and fought hard at times against it.  Two times I recall standing toe-to-toe with a youth leader fully intending to hit him in the face.  Somehow those two times were defused, however.  Once by another pastor and the other because I just walked away in frustration.  I discovered a few years ago that I too had been labeled by the people in charge and the kids were told to stay away from me.  Now, I wish I would have hit that youth leader, which would have no doubt resulted in my dismissal, which in the end would have been best for my family.

Still, we remained in the church far too long and that has always bothered me.  I sensed something was wrong, but I never imagined it was as bad as it was - deliberately damaging our youth in an effort to control their behavior in every way.  How could I stay in that?  How could I not see it?  These are the questions that plague me when I think of those past days when our children were in their teens and so susceptible to the control.  I fought against the few things I did see wrong, was frustrated by the fruitless fight, and eventually just gave up and warmed a pew for my wife's benefit and to maintain our close friendships that we had built over many years, rather than taking my proper role and getting us out of there.  When it all came to light and I learned just how bad it was, I did get us out, but alas, too late to forestall the damage it had already done to my children.

I don't know when the tide turned and the church became a cult.  I think it must have been a gradual process over many years.  When my wife and I started there we were in our teens ourselves and just married.  It was our life and our source of friends and support in so many ways.  Our circle of friends was there and everyone we relied on.  I was far from blind and always questioning, but the answers seemed right and we were so close to our friends there - some of them still to this day.  How could something that good go so bad?  I just shake my head in wonder.  I don't think it was planned.  I think it happened to the leadership just as slowly and gradually perverted their thinking, as it did my own.

Hindsight is always 20/20, however, and I have gleaned much from the experience of once being in a cult.  Perhaps the most important thing I learned is that evil cannot continue when it comes into the light.  Only hidden things can go on and wreak havoc in the dark recesses where they dwell.  Had I known then what I am just hearing now from my children, we would never have remained there.  Kids don't know the significance of what they are seeing and hearing and they don't tell.  They keep their secrets and we who are there to protect them are clueless and cannot do what we are supposed to.  No doubt they were told not to say things to their parents and that the leadership was more their parents than those provided by God.  I know for a fact that Christian was warned not to listen to me or trust me.  Had he trusted me then, they would have been exposed.

Another important thing I learned from my experience is to trust no one in charge.  That's not to say people cannot be trusted, but rather to accept nothing blindly and to be aware of those things that might indicate shifting values hidden away in the background.  People are people and haven't changed throughout history.  Their intent is good, but they get easily deceived and all their good intentions can so easily turn evil and twisted.

I also learned that the most important thing for me personally is to forgive and move forward with greater understanding, knowing that the bad things that happened to me in the past truly form who I am today.  I partially learned that from my son Christian who holds no rancor toward his past experiences but instead grows by them.

Thank you for your blog, Rachel.  I hope that it brings healing and not just anger and frustration.  I hope that people who have experienced what you and my son and daughter experienced can forgive, move forward and grow by it.