The Quest for Autonomy
If someone were to ask me what my biggest fear is, my answer would be
To be controlled by someone else.
Let me be clear. I am fully aware of my place of privilege in the world and do not take for granted that I am not faced with external and physical constraints.
The control I speak of has to do with the ideas, psychology, and emotional responses that inform a person how to live their life.
I spent 31 years of my life being controlled by religious doctrine. In every aspect of my life. A religion that is safely nestled within the larger norms of my society.
I’ve been binge-listening to a podcast called Everyone’s Autonomous which has brought a significant amount of thought and clarity on who I am at the core and why I live my life in agreement with my core self.
I didn’t have agency as a young person; not over my body, my activities, how I spent my time, and even over what I thought about. Church and society gave me a prescription for what to do, how to behave, and what to think about.
Leaving religion has allowed me to question all of those things.
When I can recognize that what I’ve been told to do, how to act, and what to think are strictly the ideas and opinions of groups of people or a construct of my society, then there is room to form my own opinions and challenge those constructs. I can explore other ways of thinking, doing, and being.
Finally, I have control. I can be mindful of what I accept as “the right way of doing things.” I’m not simply following or doing because I feel like I have to, or because others say that I have to.
It’s naive to think I can make my own choices without social consequence, however.
When traditional narratives on relationships, sexuality, education, lifestyle and parenting are challenged, there will be questions, side-glances, skepticism, and full-on judgment from many who are happy to live within those narratives.
As for me, I’m done living out narratives that are restrictive and not true to my core self. That means I also won’t be living up to anyone else’s expectations.
What does that look like then?
Let’s start with the most scandalous: Sexuality.
The harmful messages from religion and much of western society around sexuality have piled on top of me a fair amount of shame about my body, my orientation, and how I go about sexual relationships.
(See my other posts on The Sin of Sexing, The Sin of Same Sex, The Sin of Female Form, The Sin of Dating)
But as I explore those things on my own, I draw conclusions for myself that debunk the absolutes I’ve been raised with. Therefore, living as a queer polyamorous person has taught me about empathy toward others, provided enriching experiences, and given me the freedom to enjoy and embrace the sexuality that brings me the most pleasure.
Yes, pleasure. Pleasure is not bad. It hurts no one (except those I disappoint because I’m not like them) and is quite frankly, a ton of fun.
The second way in which I live autonomously is within my relationships.
I am my own person. My spouse is his own person. We are not one person together. We are in a partnership. We love and respect each other as individuals. We are also not each other’s absolute be-all and end-all. No one human is capable of being absolutely every last thing for the other person.
Social norms disagree with me on this. But my own experience and exploration of relationships have brought me to the conclusion that I can enjoy meaningful and ethical relationships outside my marriage. Whether those relationships remain in a friend-zone or develop into romance or love, there is enough to go around. One relationship does not take away from the other.
Is that for everyone? Hell to the no! It is work and requires a high level of communication, trust, and respect. But it can and it does work. For me. And for my husband and for other people in my life. It is rewarding and enriching to share life with people I connect with, without limitations on those relationships.
It doesn’t make sense to most people. And that’s ok, it doesn’t have to. It makes sense to me and my life is enhanced because of it. Even my partner and children’s lives are enhanced through the fostering of love, openness, connection, and experiences that result from healthy relationships that we are free to choose.
Once a person sees past the matrix as it were, they start to see other patterns in life in which society has created templates. Because I have children, I have been faced with the traditional methods of education and parenting. But what if the template is stifling and doesn’t work for my kids?
I am on a quest not only for my own autonomy but also to empower my children with their own. Never will I lay shame on them for choosing their own path. Even if it is different from mine. I may not understand or relate to their path, but I won’t tell them it’s bad just because it’s different.
I recently discovered the world of unschooling. And it’s not just about how children learn to read and do math. It is about how they are raised and how they learn.
Children are largely considered entities to be trained and less respected as autonomous individuals capable of making decisions and learning on their own. The entire idea of making children live up to adult expectations is therefore called in to question. Children are young humans, equipped with processing skills at their own level to learn, create, enquire, and participate in their world.
I am discovering how to give my children room to develop and learn about choice-making and consequences so they develop their internal locus of control and are not forced upon by an external locus of control.
That doesn’t mean I’m not there to help, encourage, support, and guide. Not at all. It means I am present with love and compassion for their growth. It means I am nurturing their ability to think critically, make decisions, and become life-long learners.
Unschooling is pretty out there and radical in today’s context. It scares people who have only ever learned one way of educating children. I admit, it scares even me sometimes because just like deconverting from religious indoctrination, I have to de-school myself to offer my children the opportunity of self-direction.
And lastly, (for now!) is there anyone out there who feels like there are so many fascinating experiences and places to see in the world, that life is frighteningly short?
That’s me for sure. I am excited by this planet we live on and I want to see as much of it as possible. My inner drive for experiences and understanding of the world I live in has brought me to expatriate from my country of origin and live in another part of the world. And I’m not done, I’ve still a lot of life to live.
Yes, it’s hard to live far away from family and childhood friends. But trying to shut down curiosity and wanderlust for the sake of convention is a recipe for misery.
Been there, done that.
While staying in one place all of one’s life works for some people, it doesn’t work for me.
It’s fair by now if you think that I’ve gone mad and thrown all convention out the window!
If I have, it has not been done without copious amounts of research.
Should you hang around my blog for a couple minutes, you’ll soon understand that I consider podcasts the best modern invention ever. Access to experts and regular folks who weigh in on any and every subject you can think of is amazing. I read books, I read blogs, I go to the multitude of resources available to us on the interwebs. I ponder, I process, I listen to people’s points of view and testimonies. I join communities and I have conversations. I gather as much information as I can, while also listening to my inner voice that says
Woah, this norm is killing me, I think there’s another way that suits me better.
When my quest for autonomy requires me to challenge a social norm, then I will.
I believe that as a society we could do with a bit of shaking up the way things have been. If we focused more on living out our own autonomy instead of trying to control others through our own set of morals and standards, we’d be a much more peaceful and loving society.
Autonomy benefits everyone.
