Masculinity 101 — Backsliding Forward

While we are all nestled at home and practicing safe social/physical distancing while sipping on our quarantinis, I thought NOW is the time to share my highly effective and productive course on Masculinity 101.You do not need to pre-order any course materials or books on Amazon, though the only materials required for this course is a notebook (borrowed from your little sister or niece) and a pen (preferably a pink, fuzzy one). Once you have your materials and are ready, to begin the course, immediately start with listening to It’s Britney, Bitch! (The Best of Britney Spears) playlist on Spotify (you’re welcome).

How to Identify and Measure Your Masculinity

If you’re a retired-barbie-playing boy or if you find yourself walking faster than your friends and designer dogs on the way to Zara Men, this will be the most important first step to identify how masculine you are. It’s imperative that you stray away from flamboyant phrases and separate your mannerisms from your girlfriends that are actually just your friends and/or your beards to convince your parents of your strong, hetero lifestyle. Oh! And while you’re at it, grow a beard. That is very masculine.

Drawing dancing ballerinas with my favorite pink pen during Sunday church services when I was six years old was surprisingly not the first indicator to me nor my parents that my masculinity was at risk. It took a family friend to report to my father that I said something incredibly offensive and unmanly-like to his six-month-old baby. “Wow, your daughter is SUCH a cute baby!” *insert limp wrist here* Shortly after, my father took me to the bathroom to coach me on how “men do not talk like that to babies or to anyone, in general.” Nine-year-old me was puzzled by this new behavioral lesson, but I was quick to understand that I was not meant to talk to babies, like how my best girlfriends would talk to babies. This lesson made me very eager to make improvements to earn my first Badge of Manhood.

Several months following my first masculinity crash course, my mother suddenly became an expert and a mentor on the subject matter of male masculinity. I was told that drawing with my pink pen during church service was not welcomed into my new phase of manhood. Instead, I was instructed to sit still and listen to my pastor during Sunday service like a man. How do you sit through Sunday service like a man, you ask? It’s simple! You simply sit up straight and spread-eagle your legs towards the altar. Bonus man points if you have a mom who will slap your knee cap when you accidentally cross your legs during church service, at the movie theaters, or even in the convenience of your own home. If you have access to these resources, then you’re really setting yourself up for a manly-lifestyle, which you can achieve too if you follow the next step!

Find Yourself a Strong Community of Strong Men

Whether you are self-sufficient by finding your own manly support group or by coincidently finding a support group, like I did with the help of my father and my pastor, you will have the support group that you didn’t know you needed!

A year after I had my first lesson on how men talk and act, it was decided by my parents and by my pastor that I was ready to level-up like a Pokemon and become a manlier boy. My dad took me out for ice cream and then told me that we were going to meet with my two other (and only) guy friends and their fathers. Once we arrived at our church, my pastor had blessed me and the two other different boys in my church with Wednesday night Father and Son Conferences, which I learned so much from our lessons.

Starting with reading scriptures and bible verses from Job 38:3

Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.

to Corinthians 16:13

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

we discussed what it meant to be a man and how God wants us to act like a true man to watch over and protect our future wives and our future children.

Once we finished our discussions, we would be given examples from our fathers and from our pastor of proper male mannerisms and how to properly talk like a man. I would give you an example if I could, but I don’t think I passed this part of the course. From my memory, I remember that one of the boys who was a gifted dancer was told that if he wanted to dance, he was to do it like a man. Between myself and my two guy friends, I felt like I struggled the most with these simple tasks, but this was when I started my non-existent acting career at age ten so that I could get rewarded with more ice cream before our next Father and Son Conference.

Once you feel that you have mastered these last two steps successfully and if you’re ready for weekly consolation prizes of bubblegum flavored ice cream from your father (that will also subconsciously feed your daddy-issues), then you’re ready for the next and FINAL step to our Masculinity 101 course!

Practice All the Steps Daily Until You Perform the Death Drop of Life

Congratulations! With the generosity of pro bono manliness advice from the men in my past life, you have all the tools you need to live a strong, heteronormative, limp-less wrist lifestyle! Though, I am attaching a disclaimer at the bottom of this course to make note that this class is not responsible for the following situations and/or symptoms: mental, emotional and financial burden due to years of intensive therapy, internalized homophobia, a rainbow-less and heel-less wardrobe, and numerous girlfriends/wives named Eve (who for some odd reason, turn out to be named Steve).

If these steps do not seem to be suitable for your lifestyle or are not effective when you’ve applied them to your newly masculine lifestyle, I apologize in advance and want to inform you that you are still loved and embraced for whatever shade of MANnerism you chose to wear with your outfit of the day. As I am writing this failed class of masculinity at the age of twenty-seven, I am finally at a place where I can find humor in my past “life” teachings. My biggest takeaway from my past religious institution in regards to correcting my innate flamboyance and fabulous feminity is that these characteristics of mine since birth have not changed nor been “corrected.” If anything, these characteristics have only grown stronger and have blossomed into a unique identifier to my personality, for which I whole-heartedly embrace and I am proud to flaunt to the rest of the world. My hope is that other individuals, that have experienced or currently are experiencing a journey that is similar to mine, will one day be able to bravely show off their flaw-some masculinity (or lack thereof).

And on that note, I am going to take my bubblegum ice cream consolation prize and sign-off by performing a death drop!