Take Your Purity Movement and Shove it!
If there’s one thing I love talking about, it’s sex.
You know, that biological human drive sprung from hormones that take up residence in puberty, making our body and mind a hot mess of curiosity, new feels, physical tingling in the…areas…and attractions to other people we suddenly see from an entirely different viewpoint.
We’ve all been there. If you’re a human on this earth, you have experienced your hormones and you possess a sex drive. Yes, I’m aware that sex drives vary by degrees and maybe your sexy desires died off with mixtapes, maybe your favorite activity is getting some, or maybe you’ve just never revved up in the first place. That’s all good, but no matter what, we all need to know what the heck a sex drive is, how to use it, and how to appropriately direct it.
If there’s one thing religion fails at, it’s sex. And I mean FAIL.
Religion has deemed humans not to be trusted with directing our sex drive. After all, it is a potent basic instinct with the potential to take us to some of the most epic or tragic experiences we will ever encounter. And since it’s such a powerful entity, religion fears losing control over individuals should we accept and understand our biology, anatomy, and urges.
Here are religion’s great failings regarding sex: That biology is dangerous, shameful, dirty, taboo, a secret, and not something to be discussed or learned about. Religion works harder than Forest Gump on the deck of a shrimp boat to scrub out our dirty hormones so we do not need a sexual outlet. Instead, we’re handed a box of holy white asexual purity in which to neatly place our sexual desires, to remain tightly sealed until heterosexual holy matrimony.
In the case of Christianity, teachings on sexuality bizarrely hail from an ancient Middle-Eastern culture where a presumably celibate asexual god was born of a virgin teenager who never had sex nor did the virgin teen marry the god’s baby daddy. The god hung out with a handful of single guys, none of them appearing to have tended to the fruit of sexual relations or cohabitate with women. They all gave marriage, relationship, and sex advice to their contemporaries, and to this day - surviving the centuries - the modern-day church upholds these supposed “sexperts” for our relationships. There did exist ancient people before them who engaged in sex and talked about it, but between the many wives, sex slaves, and taking on dead brother’s wives, it’s all a little out-there for modern application. Given the choice between ancient people Testament Old or Testament New, the Christian purity people think the asexual lifestyles of the single and male from Testament New are pretty legit.
In the modern church, this magically awards diplomas in sex and marriage counseling to pastors and church leaders and effectively helps their congregants to build dams against their sexuality. Therefore, young people are not to understand how their hormones come in to play with people they are attracted to through one-on-one socializing (aka dating), no one is to learn about the act of sex through education programs, videos, magazines, books, or by exploring their own body. No one is to entertain the idea of sexual compatibility by trying sex with people before they sign a lifelong contract with one person for the rest of their lives. No one is to be worried about how a person gets pregnant or how a disease is transmitted, or that a disease could even occur. No one is to address discomfort, consent, likes, dislikes, or how to freely and without shame discuss sex with a partner, or anyone, for that matter.
Christians are instead admonished to seek holiness over happiness and this plays into sexuality. The reason this lofty ideal is not sustainable, however, is because humans aren’t holy gods, nor are they biologically designed for it. Holiness is a concept that has to be forced onto mere mortals. Humans are sexual creatures with a built-in instinct to procreate, who naturally default to what makes them happy.
And that is not a bad thing!
You know why? Because it is possible to chase after happiness and what makes you feel good while also being responsible, respectful, and ethical. It’s just a matter of education, honesty, and accepting sex as a natural and positive part of our humanity. That’s it! So demanding that humans be holy and not sexual only causes problems for humans and forces on us something we are not.
The way in which holy purity and the courtship movement set people up for total sexual dysfunction is not only negative but damaging. In this context, God forbids sex education in schools because if we educate young people about sex and how it works and how to do it safely, then they will only want to do it. Newsflash: they already want to do it! And they probably already are. The sooner religion accepts this, the better equipped young people are for being safe and responsible. But instead, holy religious purity chooses to assume teens are incapable of processing information. Keeping young people in the dark about sex perfectly sets them up for irresponsible secret sex where teen girls get pregnant, and young boys don’t understand how to seek consent. They’re prepped for a world of potential physical, psychological, and emotional hurt once they’re finally permitted by marriage to engage in an act for which they know absolutely nothing about.
This was my case, and the case of many I know. I was a virgin until I was 31, I had never had an orgasm, didn’t know what it was or how it happened, didn’t understand how to have sex or talk about it, couldn’t figure out why I might be having new sensations that I should see a doctor about, and the list goes embarrassingly on. I’ve said it in other posts, but I had to buy a freaking Sex for Dummies book, keep it between my mattress, and read it in secret.
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
The idea that following rules for sexual purity set you up for God’s perfect union is an illusion. It is the mistreatment of individual sexual agency and a colossal disservice to relationships. Abstinence from all things sex is no guarantee for the blissful Godly union that my church peddled. Many in my church who lived through the hell of the purity movement, who did everything prescribed to them by not sufficiently spending alone time with their potential life partners, repenting for sexual thoughts, obeying the laws of courtship, and entering into a virgin marriage, found years later that they were ill-prepared, and essentially incompatible with their spouse, so they had to divorce. Divorce happens. It happens inside and outside the church. Have you ever looked up divorce statistics, though? The highest rates happen among the most religious. And for that matter, check out the stats on teen pregnancy. The more religious people are about sexuality seems to be directly related to the more problems they have around it.
So this unnatural binding up of natural sexual drive leads to complications down the road when a married couple doesn’t know how to talk to each other candidly about their pleasures, fantasies, and questions. If someone married young and never got to explore their sexuality, they might find themselves in the middle of a marriage when they discover they are gay. Maybe they go years without true sexual fulfillment because their partner doesn’t have the same drive or needs as them. So then what? They turn to secretive things because, in Christian purity, there is no platform for openly exploring or talking about sex.
Only duplicity and hypocrisy can exist in a structure where sexuality is shunned. Secret porn viewing, secret affairs, secret child molestation, secret frustration and resentment, secret fantasies, secret masturbating, secret flirting, secret shame, and guilt. The sex drive has to go somewhere, so it becomes misdirected, or indeed plays out in perfectly normal ways, but all is done in secret because we are taught to be asexual beings who do not have sexual thoughts and do not desire sex.
This can be avoided if we embrace our sexual nature instead of shrouding it in mystery and shame. Young people should learn about sex. They should understand their bodies and be taught that their desires are natural and ok. They should be taught appropriate ways of negotiating their hormones and how to explore their bodies to understand what they like and do not like. They should learn how to respect and seek consent from a potential partner. How to protect themselves and partners from pregnancy and disease. They should learn about the mental and emotional aspects of sex and relationships with others. If we give young people the tools and allow them to think, then they can be usefully equipped to engage in sex that respects their own body and the body of whomever they engage with.
To religion and your purity movement, I would like you to STOP telling us the following vomit-inducing lies:
That women are a good that can be damaged, and that a part of them will be lost if they have sex.
That virginity is our most valued virtue.
That all men only want sex and don’t know how to control themselves.
That women are sluts if they enjoy and want sex.
That moral blame rests on women for what they wear and how they act.
That men are the protectors and gatekeepers of a woman’s sexuality.
That sex is giving yourself away and that every person we ever had sex with will be in the bedroom with us as a stumbling block in our marriage.
That it is wrong to explore and enjoy our bodies.
That we are dirty because we are sexual.
That abstinence is the only available option.
Humans are sexual beings. And there is nothing wrong or unnatural about it.
If you have felt the shame religion has placed on you about your sexuality or sexual past, I encourage you to take an honest look at the reality without the filter of religion. Religion’s rules are imaginary. The laws of nature do not adhere to the arbitrary laws made up by ancient men from the Middle-East; you will not be struck by lightning and you are not damaged goods. Sex is fun, and if you accept it for yourself, you will be surprised at how confident, powerful, and free you’ll feel.
In the words of Mr. J. Timberlake, go forth and get your Sexy Back.
