Giving Yourself Permission
She went back to school in her forties, got her Master’s, and graduated with her Doctorate at nearly sixty years old.
I mentioned Dr. Janja Lalich in the Not Your Average Church - Just Your Average Cult article. She spent about eleven years in a communist political cult in the ’70s and by the time she got out, she’d lost her sense of autonomy and decision-making skills. During an interview, she said THE thing I’ve been in decades-long anguish about and haven’t had the courage to do.
I decided to go on to graduate school and well, it took me about ten years to make that decision…it’s very difficult to make decisions when you get out (of a cult).
WOAH! Lady, I don’t know where you came from, but you read my mail.
I’ve often reflected on my debilitating loss of self-assurance and ability to think and make decisions for myself. When I was growing up in the cult and into my young adult years, I was categorically unable to make a decision without first booking a counseling session with a pastor, buttressing my reassurance with hours of early morning prayer, beating back any thoughts that might be interference from the devil, and asking God to send me more signs in the form of a prophecy, word of the Lord, Bible verse, or admonition from a friend. Only then would I truly know it was ok to be a lifeguard at summer camp, go on a family vacation, or take the job that might interfere with the weekly ladies’ meeting (please Lord, let it interfere with ladies’ meeting).
It’s easy to look at the cult days and identify my crippling inability to parse out options and follow logic and desire which lead to making up one’s mind. That unique blend of someone telling you what to think and your inherent worthlessness inside the guilt and shame cycle. But I’ve been an independent bitch for the last sixteen years now and it wasn’t until I heard Dr. Lalich say that it took her ten years to make a decision about continuing her education that I realized with mind-blowing clarity that I still sometimes have difficulty making big decisions for myself. I’m still waiting for someone to give me permission. Waiting for a sign - on the street or in the sky or in my tea that brings confirmation about my feelings so I know it’s ok to do what I want.
Two things have happened here:
1) Her words gave me permission, and
2) I’m aware that I still suffer from residual “I’m not allowed” programming.
I tried to listen to the rest of her interview, but I was so distracted with the sudden permission to do the thing that I’ve been wanting to do forever, that I clicked pause on the interview and opened a new window to search for Master’s degree programs.
Two days later as I was typing away at my personal statement for Admissions, my husband walked in the door from work and I beamed
Guess what I’m doing?!
You’re applying for school.
How did you know?!
Because you’ve talked about it for years and I saw you searching for schools on your computer.
He didn’t know what suddenly lit the fire under my ass, but he was well aware that it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time. I was just waiting for permission. Well, screw that. I gave myself permission!
It felt dangerous. I hadn’t even consulted my partner. Anyone who has a partner and/or kids understands the element of compromise. My actions affect my family. And I thought about that. The things I haven’t done because I felt I shouldn’t. And I considered the long-term benefits of me bettering myself and working toward something that will enhance my financial stability, my independence, and satisfy my thirst for learning and for helping others.
I remembered the Carl Jung quote Brene Brown has offered on more than one occasion
The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.
I lost my young life to the cult. I’m playing catch-up now. The things I wanted to, could have done, maybe should have done in my twenties never happened. But that doesn’t mean they can’t happen now. No more wasting time with indecision. No more wishing, wanting, waiting.
I wonder if you might have something you’ve always wanted to do, but either you feel like you missed the boat, that time was robbed from you in the cult, or you just plain can’t make up your mind for yourself. All I needed was to realize holy shit - I’ve been vacillating for ten years because of cult programming! And that’s all it took. From years of hesitation over this issue to lightning exactitude in a flash.
YOU are all the permission you need. And ok, if finances and time commitment affect others in your life, then start small, but make up your mind to start doing whatever you’ve been wanting forever to do.
Dr. Lalich said something else
Hey look, you’re never too old. If you’ve got the determination, you can do it.
